Nursing School Drop-out.

I have those moments where giving up seems so much easier. The sacrifice, long hours, hard work, and back aches are down right miserable at times. The stress can be unbearable. This semester is overwhelming to say the least. The amount of paperwork alone has me near breakdown. Today marks day two of the semester. Today I experienced pediatric clinicals for the first time. Instead of my children, I thought of my grandma. 

Once upon a time, my grandmother was in the same nursing program and the same school as I currently am. As she once did, I started my pediatrics rotation at the local hospital. She’s told me many times during my life of her struggles in nursing school. Pediatrics broke her down. That woman is honey-coated and dipped in sugar. She has the biggest heart I’ve ever witnessed in a person. She went into nursing with a true nurturing soul. Pediatrics hurt her. She described the incidence of her heartbreak to me. She gave up her career in nursing shortly after caring for a child diagnosed with cancer. Watching the child suffer through chemotherapy devastated her. She couldn’t watch a young one hurt. She refused to subject herself to torment any longer. Having had five children of her own she only ever thought of those children as my father, aunts, and uncle. She saw their faces when she looked into the eyes of suffering children. She resigned from nursing school. 

I walked past a room today. Outside the door read a sign that said Chemotherapy Precautions. I was curious and peaked inside. I saw a young boy, close to my sons age, who had deep dark circles around his tired eyes and absolutely no hair, including eyelashes. I watched him sit as he flipped through the channels on his television. Initially my heart aches for him. I love kids. They’re our future, so pure and innocent. He doesn’t deserve Cancer. He doesn’t deserve the poor prognosis that life has thrown his way. Inside I wept. I wept for his pain and his suffering. Then suddenly I made a decision. 

This is hard. This heartbreak and backache will never go away. Is the paycheck worth it? Absolutely not. I give up. 

I give up my social life, I give up my sanity, I give up on the very thought of giving up. I looked at that child and decided I’ll be damned if I’m not going to pursue this for more than a paycheck. I have a huge heart but I have a little more than that. I have an absurd passion for making a difference. I want to help, I want to make them smile and laugh, I want them to enjoy every moment like I do. They give me purpose. This is more than job security and good health insurance for me. It’s my meaning of life. That child gave me more dedication and perseverance today than he’s even aware of. He has no idea he touched my life just by changing a channel. 

I’m not giving up on nursing, not today, not ever. I’m doing this for children and for my grandmother. If they can fight cancer, fight to survive, then I sure as hell can make it through some measly school. I want to do more than save a life. I want to learn how to change a life. 

June 2, 2015June 2, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Feverish Passion, Life, Nursing, The Practice of NursingTags: cancer, change, chemo, chemotherapy, cherish, child, children, dedication, drive, dropout, heal, health, idolize, kid, kids, laugh, life, live, nurse, nursing, passion, pediatric, peds, sacrifice, save, school, will 1 Comment