Author: diarou326

You’re at Peace but I’m in Pieces.

May 13, 2017. Almost a year ago now. I walk in to work, a lot earlier than most people do. I worked with the elder population at the time and got to spend oodles of time with my own grandmother. My focus that morning was getting my report for my unit and going to see her while she rested. Something told me to hold off on report and go lay eyes on her. I relieved myself from the night nurse and walked down to her room. I walked in her bedroom door at 0600 and watched her last breath at 0620. I pulled my stethoscope out and listened. That heart, oh how I wish everyone had her heart of gold, the heart that mended other broken hearts, a resilient and huge heart. No beating. I paused for a minute and listened again. The heart that held mine, the soft and kind warm caring heart. A heart so big God couldn’t let it live. She was gone. I collapsed. I called my own grandmas time of death. I made those phone calls. Family started to arrive. I held my dad as he cried. I’ve never seen him cry before. That heavenly heart. That woman that made everyone feel special and welcome. The one who nurtured and raised 5 children, gone forever. You’re with the husband you lost three years ago. Two of my favorite people, the ones I loved the most. You’re at peace but I’m in pieces.

May 3, 2018. My cousin and the only piece of my Aunt (committed suicide) that was left, died from complications of a collapsed lung. 32 year old man who’d been handicapped from a car accident most of his life. We love you. You’re finally at peace but we’re in pieces.

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Damage.

I just can’t make up my mind. Lately I’ve been so back and forth. So mixed up and confused. So torn between guarding my heart forever and taking the leap of faith to love again. Pretending to be heartless then exposing my sensitivities. Praying and pleading. Bleeding my heart out then making it beat again. Suffering and then numb again. 

I can’t keep doing this to myself. Especially with all the wrong people. The struggle lies in wanting the perfect man versus settling for a good guy. It’s been a vicious cycle of constant disappointment and heartache. Every woman wants their fairy tale ending whether she admits it or not. I’m usually the last to admit it. So I denied myself the truth and tried being with a man but without falling in love. But of course, I denied it until it woke me from a dead sleep. I hid it until I was losing track of time and losing focus. I denied that I fell in love with the way he danced and sang like an idiot to his favorite music. And I denied it while he made that funny voice when talking to his dog. I denied that I adored him while he cooked us breakfast. And I denied it while he talked about his life, work, and family. I denied it while staring into his eyes and playing with his hair. I pretended until I choked on all the things I wanted to say. I pretended until I broke my own damn heart. All I had to say was that I couldn’t do this anymore. And just like that it was done. And I won’t let anyone ever hurt me like that again. 

So again, I give up on the construct of love. I let go of my ideals and instead of going back to the drawing board, I burn that bitch. My mental image of one day having the love I deserve, yeah, that went up in flames too. I’ll love myself enough to stay away from ever being hurt again. You could be perfect in every way and I’ll still sabotage. And they’re all clueless as to why I jump ship. Because they’ve never been truly burned like I have. I’ve been made a fool of too many times, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, abused in many ways… all by the hand of a man who said he loved me. A man who made vows to me. So any man who steps up to the plate, he once stepped there. And he trampled all over it. The damage is done. 

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The New Year.

A lot has changed. Mostly myself, my circumstances, and my mind. My hearts a different beast. I’m falling again despite my best efforts. I had plans to be single, learn and live a little. I started to. I began enjoying life again with friends and family. One day, out of the blue, you found me. I pushed you to the back of my mind again and again until you somehow moved to the forefront. How in the hell did you manage that? How did a complete stranger unlock my unbreakable seal? I finally agreed to meet up. I finally swallowed my pride and my uncertainties. I went out with the girls on the last day of 2016. I somehow knew I would see you. I’d already had more than my share of adult beverages, my inhibitions still in tact but waivoring. I walked back from the restroom and saw your face. I damn near collapsed right there and then. I rationalized it away by telling myself I was drunk. You dropped everything to talk to me and my friends. And before I knew it, you had my attention. You not only had it but you held it. That night was a blur of bliss and delusion. I had no preconceived notions about the two of us. But you finally asked to see me again. And again. And one week into the new year I knew I was absolutely screwed. I woke up thinking of you and could only fall sleep day dreaming. Now I won’t admit it, my prides a hell of a jagged pill. But I’ve fallen for you. Your eyes, your voice, that smile. The way you react when my hands run up your arms and to your hands. Rough hands. Hard working hands. You act as cool and aloof as I try to. But your eyes portray a different story. You’re as terrified of me as I am of you. The damage we could do. If we were kids again I’d be infatuated but we aren’t. We’ve been weathered by too many storms and weary of trust. We try to hide from each other in plain site. We both play it cool and reserved while we pray the other says everything we are thinking. After just 26 years we have both been molded to live in fear. But I want only you to be my happy new year. 

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Liberty & Justice For All. 

One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life is let the man I just married travel half way around the world. Going through deployment was harder on me than anyone ever realized. While he was gone the “burning of the Quran” occurred and I panicked. Every day I panicked. The year he was gone was the longest anxiety attack of my life. I hold no more romantic feelings toward my ex husband but the trauma is still very real. When you feel what I felt that wound lasts a lifetime. I feared every day he was gone that he would die. That I would have officials show up at home or at work to deliver the news. That they would shatter my world mid day and I would have to find the will to live each moment following. The father of my child and the person I believed was the love of my life would die thousands of miles from me and I would relive our last goodbye in my mind a thousand times. It didn’t happen that way though. All the torment and pain I hadn’t even imagined had yet to have happened. I died a little each day he was gone. When he finally came home I was ecstatic but something was different. I didn’t realize what a year could do, it wasn’t that I changed as he feared I would. He did the changing. He wasn’t the man I married. And that’s when it happened. Every day I watched him die a little more. It was slowly then all at once. That man, the one I loved and married, he’s dead. He died a long time ago and no one will ever understand that mourning. My son thinks his dad just works a lot and I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. He’s dead and the carcass of the soldier I once loved walks the planes of this earth empty and haunting the people who gave him everything. With every national anthem, pledge of allegiance and tribute to the soldiers of this nation the scars burn and sting. The man I married died the day he got on that plane and didn’t ever return, that man died and lost his family for your freedom. And for mine. 

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Sociopath.

I started reading a book called The Sociopath Next Door recently and thought immediately of a couple people. If you use words and slander to belittle someone you’re a sociopath. If you do purposeful harm to others you’re a sociopath. If you show no remorse for your actions you’re a sociopath. If it’s all about you and your happiness then you’re a sociopath. If you wreck lives and sleep with people’s significant others just to build your own self esteem, you’re a certifiable sociopath. One in every four people is a conscienceless sociopath. The statistics are astounding. Hurting people and playing the victim is their forte. I can’t imagine ever trying to destroy homes or knowingly screw with other people’s lives just because you can and get some kind of twisted thrill from it. Sociopath is another term for psychopath. Get help. 

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Here’s Where You Won’t Find It. 

You won’t find it in the bottom of a bottle. You won’t find it in a bar. You won’t find it when you’re looking. You won’t find it from afar. 

You won’t find it in a blunt. You won’t find it at a club. You won’t find it in provocative clothing. You won’t find it in someone else’s hub. 

You won’t find it if you’re desperate. You won’t find it sleeping around. You won’t find it when you’re unworthy. You won’t find it because it won’t be found. 

You won’t find it if you think lowly of yourself. You won’t find it if you’re behaving badly. You won’t find it without self-love. You won’t find your truly, deeply, madly. 

You won’t find it in someone else’s relationship. You won’t find it in your daddy. You won’t find it doing damage. You just won’t find it, sadly. 

You won’t find it while you’re moping. You won’t find it in this Dr. Seuss styled shit. You won’t finding it cause you are desperate and unworthy. For fuck sake woman, take the fucking hint. 

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It Finally Happened.

I finally hit a massive personal milestone. I received my results from state boards and I’m now a Registered Nurse. That test was the hardest I’ve ever encountered but I made it. I survived nursing school and years of prerequisites. I feel like I should have magic powers by now. Don’t ask me how I did it because I’m not really sure. I’m guessing it all started with my decision. I decided this was it. I decided there was no room for failure. There was no giving up. Fall down? Cool, get your ass back up. Someone says you don’t have what it takes? Prove them wrong. You feel like giving up? Don’t. It’s a decision and dedication. It’s a commitment to yourself. Just survive each day and eventually you’ll be standing here with me. But this is only A milestone this is not the final destination. I have dreams I’ve turned into plans. I’m in motion and no plans of slowing down. Don’t try stopping me and don’t stand in my way. 

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It All Comes Down To This. 

I’m incredibly anxious to take my RN exam soon. I’ve worked incredibly hard for this. I’ve dedicated years of my life to medicine and I’m really hoping this pays off. But like anyone else under this pressure, I have my doubts. A lot of “what ifs” and “buts.” I’m not really done yet. It’s not official until it’s official. I had my break, my vacation but now is the time. This is it. It all comes down to this. 

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