I just can’t make up my mind. Lately I’ve been so back and forth. So mixed up and confused. So torn between guarding my heart forever and taking the leap of faith to love again. Pretending to be heartless then exposing my sensitivities. Praying and pleading. Bleeding my heart out then making it beat again. Suffering and then numb again.
I can’t keep doing this to myself. Especially with all the wrong people. The struggle lies in wanting the perfect man versus settling for a good guy. It’s been a vicious cycle of constant disappointment and heartache. Every woman wants their fairy tale ending whether she admits it or not. I’m usually the last to admit it. So I denied myself the truth and tried being with a man but without falling in love. But of course, I denied it until it woke me from a dead sleep. I hid it until I was losing track of time and losing focus. I denied that I fell in love with the way he danced and sang like an idiot to his favorite music. And I denied it while he made that funny voice when talking to his dog. I denied that I adored him while he cooked us breakfast. And I denied it while he talked about his life, work, and family. I denied it while staring into his eyes and playing with his hair. I pretended until I choked on all the things I wanted to say. I pretended until I broke my own damn heart. All I had to say was that I couldn’t do this anymore. And just like that it was done. And I won’t let anyone ever hurt me like that again.
So again, I give up on the construct of love. I let go of my ideals and instead of going back to the drawing board, I burn that bitch. My mental image of one day having the love I deserve, yeah, that went up in flames too. I’ll love myself enough to stay away from ever being hurt again. You could be perfect in every way and I’ll still sabotage. And they’re all clueless as to why I jump ship. Because they’ve never been truly burned like I have. I’ve been made a fool of too many times, I’ve been cheated on, lied to, abused in many ways… all by the hand of a man who said he loved me. A man who made vows to me. So any man who steps up to the plate, he once stepped there. And he trampled all over it. The damage is done.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 