Shopping for another White Dress & Fearing the Future.

Today I’m doing something I’ve done many times in my life. Not just once for myself but once for my older sister and now for the youngest. We all had slight doubts about my eldest sisters wedding, we all had doubts about my groom, we have no doubts about my youngest sister or her groom. And today watching my sister try on the gown she chose brought me to tears. I couldn’t fathom how beautiful she’d look in her wedding dress. The love she shares with her fiancé will last a lifetime I have absolutely no doubt. Those two are meant for each other. My older sister and I got it wrong the first time but my youngest sister learned from us. Being a little under a year away she still has a lot of planning to do. But after finding the dress last night we decided to celebrate. We went to dinner and had some drinks. We lost track of time. Something inside me was aching. I showed up at home around nine o’clock at night, definitely not sober, to my boyfriend patiently waiting. I greeted him and he laughed and laughed. He asked, “rough day?” I said yes. He held my unstableness in his arms and said, ” let’s make it better.” Boy, oh boy does he always. We walked a few blocks to hang out with some of our friends. One is going through a nasty breakup and his girlfriend moved out. The other friend may be moving in. So last night I stood in a kitchen and listened/watched three grown men who tower over me, argue like an old married couple. I just laughed at them, chimed in occasionally and drank. Not only did I start my night with rum, but I involved whiskey, tequila, and a few beers. I never drink so it doesn’t take much for me to lose my faculties. My boyfriend ended up carrying me home. My worries were let go. 

The morning after now: 

My boyfriend calls to laugh at my rough condition. He tells me I surprised him last night. He didn’t know I had it in me. Tells me I’m a lot of fun to be around when I’m drunk, I’m not as fiesty as many of the women he’s known. I’m just not an angry drunk. Yesterday was hard. A lot of fun but I felt uneasy. My older sister and I both divorcees and my youngest sister finally marrying. I worry about what the future will bring. I felt the loss all over again. Ten years of being my best friend and I don’t even know that person anymore. My husband died almost a year ago, but I didn’t put him to rest. Someone’s in this town walking around in his body. If you would’ve told me a year ago, this is how it would be, I’d tell you that you were crazy. The only constant is change. 

June 29, 2015July 9, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Life, UncategorizedTags: beer, boyfriend, divorce, dress, drink, drunk, friends, fun, future, hard, hate, last, love, marriage, night, rough, rum, shopping, tequila, wedding, whiskey, white Leave a comment

Neighborly Love.

The past few days, while being home in the afternoon, I had someone knock on my door. A small boy around my sons age had asked to play with my son and boyfriends daughter. It turns out it was the son of one of my old friends who lives down the block. She showed up shortly after. We sat and talked for hours while all the kids played. We talked about the struggles of being a single mom mostly but she brought up a topic I didn’t know she realized. Apparently she hung out with my ex during the times he was throwing parties at my house. She told me he was hard to read but he ended up opening up to her. She told me about how it is hard for him to be a father. I understand that and continue to try to work with him. She told me about his confession to her that he felt he did me horribly wrong. I had no idea he felt guilty about what he did. I understand. She also spoke to me about his confession about how unhealthy his relationship with the other woman had gotten. It surprised me to hear this from someone else. She told me he called his girlfriend crazy, which I’ve heard him say repeatedly. No surprise. He had told this mutual friend that his girlfriend even texted another neighbor of ours demanding that she not text “her man” ever again. No surprise there either considering the volitile nature of her jealousy. We talked about how we all continue to talk to my ex because we all have friendships with him. We discussed my unhealthy relationship with him as well. Our old relationships that were unstable and resulted in children. Not everyone gets the happily ever after they originally intended to have. But life compensates for that. She told me she feels like my boyfriend and I are very good for each other and a super cute couple. I blushed. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. We discussed being single moms and how the best option for dating men is finding good stable single fathers. It’s very important that our significant others understand our struggle. We talked about how alike our children are and all their differences. We talked about a lot the past few days and it was nice to provide company for ourselves and our children. That’s neighborly love. 

June 27, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Grievance, Life, Parenting & Children, Single MomTags: adult, bad, company, diary, discuss, ex, good, guilt, healthy, jealous, jealousy, kids, love, neighbor, news, nice, parent, parenting, people, talk, time, unhealthy Leave a comment

Camping-In.

Last night I decided to have family time. We get such few fleeting moments together I wanted to make the most of it. So we got the sleeping bags, turned the televisions off, put our phones down, and lit some candles. We got all of our blankets and pillows. The four of us had a camp-in in our living room. We would have hitched the tent but it was raining outside. My boyfriend sang camp songs rather well. His daughter sweetly sang You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine. We demanded an encore. And then we told stories. We told stories about princesses, queens falling in love with Knights (tall, blue-eyed, manly Knight Daddy), dragons, puppies, baby turtles, and dinosaurs eating a girl named Suzanne (totally my sons idea). Although I am incredibly sore from sleeping on the floor almost the entire night, those moments were priceless. The kids migrated to me and they both fell asleep in my arms. My boyfriend woke me up around five in the morning to cuddle on the couch with him. The couch was still not as comfortable as the bed. I can’t wait to go camping with the kids. Quality time is better than quantities of time. I cherish these moments. I am a family woman. And I can’t wait to one day have more kids. 

June 27, 2015June 27, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Feverish Passion, Life, Parenting & ChildrenTags: boyfriend, camp, camping, candle, children, daughter, dragon, family, fire, honor, kids, knight, life, love, only, princess, queen, sing, son, songs, stories, sunshine, together, true, united Leave a comment

Pediatrics.

By far my favorite subject in nursing school. Today I cared for a seven year old boy newly diagnosed with diabetes mellitus. Diabetes is a very delicate and fragile disease process. It is basically the body’s inability to maintain homeostasis without medical intervention. Thank goodness for insulin. Insulin is a necessity for the body to change glucose into energy for its cells. Without the body producing insulin the glucose in the blood isn’t utilized by the cells so it rises to extreme levels within the blood. This is called hyperglycemia. But if a diabetic patient on injected insulin does not eat a meal of carbohydrates often times they experience hypoglycemia. The insulin converts all the glucose to energy and this has consequences as well. The diabetic must take on a lot of responsibility in externally caring for the body’s homeostasis due to the temperamental nature of the disease. As a child, this routine must be difficult. Who doesn’t want that extra piece of cake or to occasionally skip a meal? We take for granted every day the fact that our bodies are self regulating. We are miraculous creatures. If you don’t believe me read something about human anatomy and physiology. Most fascinating subject on the face of the earth. Children are so resilient. We see them as such fragile mini people but we forget that they are hardy. And they’re so positive and full of life. The longer I’m in medicine the more I believe there’s only one thing that impacts your health: your attitude. Your attitude about the disease, your attitude about your prognosis, and your overall attitude about life. Pediatrics is a game-changer for me. 

June 25, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Feverish Passion, The Practice of NursingTags: ailment, attitude, blood, children, diabetes, disease, fiabetes mellitus, glucose, history, homeostasis, ill, illness, insulin, kid, kids, medical, medicine, nurse, nursing, pediatric, pediatrics, positive, prognosis, regulate, self, sugar Leave a comment

Falling into Place.

This week’s the happiest and most satisfied with my life I’ve ever been. I four-pointed my first pediatric exam. I am notorious for bombing my first exam of the semester yet summer semester & the hardest class in the program I’ve aced. Pediatrics may just be my niche. On top off my academic success I also got a job offer. A company I have wanted to work for for some time now offered me a position as a nurse in one of their local and gorgeous facilities. Not to mention they offered me a wage that is more than double what I’ve made in my lifetime. They also offered to pay for some of my schooling as I continue my education. Not only do they truly take care of their employees they have an amazing reputation with the client population. They go above and beyond. I could not be more excited to be a part of such a positive team and atmosphere. I’ll finally be able to look forward to going to work. I couldn’t have done any of this without my amazing support system. The people that have had my back through everything have given me the strength to persevere and follow my dreams. My amazing Angel nursing friends, my fantastic family, my adorable children, and my loving, supportive boyfriend. For the first time in a long time, things are finally falling into place. 

June 24, 2015June 24, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Feverish Passion, Nursing, The Practice of NursingTags: boyfriend, children, content, dream, dreams, facility, falling, finally, friends, happy, medical, medicine, nurse, nursing, place, positive, success, support, team, teamwork, together, united Leave a comment

I Fall. I Fall A Lot.

When I was 16 a neurologist diagnosed me with something I may forever be labeled with. For those of you who do not know what a neurologist is, it’s a brain/spine/nerves doctor. In order to figure out why I kept passing out and “twitching” they strapped me to a table. They had me lay down and strapped me down in multiple spots. I’m sure the sensation resembled that of a straight jacket. They placed a blood pressure cuff on my left arm and it inflated at two minute intervals. They told me once they stood me up using the table I had twenty minutes to produce results or they would inject a drug to stimulate my nervous system and cause me to pass out. They angled the table so that I was in a standing position. I talked to my mom and the nurse. We had pretty much given up until 18 minutes in. I stated, ” it’s starting.” I was experiencing tunnel vision, losing my sense of hearing, until I was no longer aware of anything but the sensation of my entire body shaking violently. Not fun. I came around to my nurse and mother leaning over me. I was laying flat on my back again. My mom was crying hysterically. They were calling me by name. I tried everything to tell them I was okay but couldn’t respond. Slowly I assured them with gestures that I was fine. After I returned to my normal baseline the neurologist stepped in. I was diagnosed with Vasovagal Syncope accompanied by seizures. The doctors told me I may or may not grow out of it (I haven’t). To top it off I have something called hypotension, my blood pressure is too low. So they can’t medicate me without dropping my blood pressure to critical levels. And if they treat my low blood pressure I’ll have more seizures. A rock and a hard place. I manage pretty well though. It mostly happens during a change in postural position. If I go from sitting/laying to standing too quickly, especially if I’m hot, BOOM I’m on the floor. This is due to the fact that my nerve endings don’t send signals to the vessels in my legs to constrict when I stand so the blood rushes away from my brain, causing loss of consciousness. This is exacerbated during pregnancy due to increased pressure on the vagal nerve, amorous activities, airplanes, full bladder, etc. I experience everything from a short bout of tunnel vision to seizures depending on the situation. It really doesn’t put me in any danger because I have learned to manage it very well. And when I do fall down, I get right back up.  

 

My boyfriend tells me this picture is me; I’m cute and I felled over a lotz. 

Last night I fell into a laundry hamper. I came to, to my boyfriend laughing at me. What an ass?! 😂

June 22, 2015June 23, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Health & Wellness, LifeTags: blood, brain, collapse, cope, cute, deal, diagnose, educate, fall, falling, health, issue, learn, manage, medical, nervous, neurologist, neurology, seizure, seizures, support, syncope, system, table, test, tilt, tilt. table test, vasovagal Leave a comment

Color.

I don’t identify as black or white. Seems like these days that makes me an outcast according to social media. I read about police brutality and what’s seemingly an unjust justice system. It’s a cruel world full of racism and segregation still. And my only comment to this is, how fucking stupid. All this erroneous violence and for what? Rosa didn’t burn the bus, she just refused to give up her seat. Did you know you get your skin pigment from something in your body chemistry called melanin? Basing your opinions of someone based on the color of their flesh is like being biased about their first name. Their parents gave them both. They were born with it. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? The color of someone’s skin does not tell you about the struggles and battles they have endured. You have to get to know someone in order to truly see their character. I’ve had people make racial slurs about myself. Has nothing to do with their race or ethnicity and everything to do with that individuals ignorance. Not everyone sees this the way I do. The wars waged on American soil may not have the same body count as those in foreign lands but it’s just as devastating. There are certain undeniable statistics about every ethnicity but does that mean some race is inferior and another race superior? Absolutely not. We are all on the same playing field and treat each other like opposing teams. Together we stand, divided we fall. Do not judge me based on my name, my socioeconomic status, my height, my gender, or my color. 

June 22, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Life, Self WorthTags: black, brutality, color, country, difference, different, divided, ethnic, ethnicity, fall, justice, melanin, pigment, police, purple, race, same, see, skin, stand, true, united, white Leave a comment

Paternal Figures.

I am fortunate enough to have a lot of father figures in my life. Today’s as well as every other day we should be giving them more credit for what they do. 

Grandpa. 

He’s no longer with us but damn he was a hell of a man. One of the greatest fathers of all time. He had five children, two boys and three girls. He worked as a school bus driver and custodian while his children were in school. Once the youngest (my father) was of working age my grandpa started his own painting/carpentry business. His two sons learned to call him “Boss.” He chose to be there for his children no matter what and by any means be a presence in their lives. He was the same was with his grandkids. We spent our entire summers with him after he retired. He would take us on walks, teach us how to garden, read to us, take us swimming at the local pool, take us to church or running errands. He was a true old-fashion family man. To this day I admire that man. He’s everything I aspire to be. He was so goofy and he loved making people laugh. He was a great man and the best father figure. I love you, to the moon and back. 

Dad. 

I couldn’t even begin to explain the bond I share with my father. I am the epitome of a daddy’s girl. We have VERY similar personalities, passed down to us by my oh so goofy grandpa. Goofy is genetically encoded.  He called me Cookie my entire childhood. Nowadays he just calls me Cook. Raised me and my two sisters as a single father, never remarried after my mother. He is the type to help anyone in need. He has the purest heart. Every father should be exactly like my dad. He taught me so much. Because of him I have a soft spot for single dads. He loved my sisters and myself as individuals but equally. He was always fair and just. He never judged anyone for anything. He was the voice of reason throughout my life. My confidant and best friend. I value him more than he’ll ever know. He’s never led me astray or made me doubt his love for me. He’s an honest man of integrity. The world would be a better place with more people like him in it. I love you dad. 

Boyfriend. 

Where do I begin? First of all, you would do anything for the mother of your child. When she needs you, you’re there. You defend her honor and display undying loyalty. I absolutely adore that about you. I love baby mama, her and I are blessed to get along so well. I think she can tell I’m genuine and knows I get it having had a child of my own. She can see how much I love your child together and that I would do anything for her. Anything from all the times I’ve picked her up from school to the times I wipe the tears from her cheeks. That girl is so lucky to grow up surrounded by so much love. But you, my dear, are absolutely astonishing. You not only live your daughter to pieces but you treat my son as if he is your own. You take on so much responsibility with the kids that I no longer feel like I’m doing it alone, for the first time in forever. You teach them so much, from catching their first fish to riding a bike. They adore you and always reach out to hold your hand. I couldn’t ask for a better teammate and father figure for my son. I never expected anything from you, but you’ve done more than anyone else ever has. I respect you and love you so much darling. 

Step Dad. 

We may have not always seen eye to eye but you had my back. We were very different, in personality and beliefs but we have had some amazing times. You never wanted to see me hurt and always comforted me during hard times. We didn’t have the best relationship but it’s because you never raised daughters, so everything was new to you and you weren’t what we were used to either. I still hope you know that I love all the time I spend with you and mom. I will always be here for you. 

Ex-Husband. 

I may not understand it but I know you somehow love our son. You love him in your own way. He still doesn’t get to see you as much but I tell him you love him everyday. He’s very confused about it still but I try to explain in a way he will understand. You just love him differently. You aren’t a horrible dad, you never really had an example as to how to parent. I remember teaching you how to tie a Windsor knot, something a father ought to teach his son. You know our sons in good hands and I’m completely capable. Your name will never be slandered in this house because you are a part of him. Just try your best and that’s good enough. After healing and looking at the situation rationally I totally understand. No pressure but I hope you have a wonderful Father’s Day. 

June 21, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Parenting & ChildrenTags: adore, boyfriend, dad, dads, daughter, day, father, fathers, figure, grandpa, great, happy, love, parent, parental, single, son Leave a comment

A Tale of the Day I Changed My Mind & My Heart.

After visiting with my sisters and future brother-in-law I wanted to write this story. They were the ones who kept me company on the best worst day of my life. The day I changed my mind and my heart. The day I became in tune with my true nature and womanhood. I’ve written about it before but that was merely a writing of the worst events of the day. In reality, that day I spent crying all morning but laughed more than being in pain. 

We all know by now that I walked in on my now ex-husbands affair. Everyone’s over that detail. However what took place after 4 am on August 1st of 2014? Well I sought companionship from my youngest sister. She drove to my house where I sobbed on her shoulder and screamed out of anger. Sure, you’d be devastated to if you didn’t expect that to happen to you. In retrospect I should’ve known better. An example is that he stopped wearing his ring ever because “it hurt” when he just went to the gym. Yeah, sure. But my sister listened and empathized and told me how much none of my family nor his own family ever approved of him or the way he treated me. Blah, blah, yada, yada. Well my sister took myself and my son to her apartment where my brother in law was. I called in to work. And we sat and watched tv while I cried for a few hours. I cried away all the feelings of love I ever had for that man. I cried so hard I grew tired of tears and vowed I’d never let anyone make me feel that way again. I changed. I picked myself up off that couch. My mom took my son for the day in order to spare his feelings while I grieved. But what happened next was miraculous. My older sister showed up to support me. We all went out, had drinks at noon while we played pool. Then we went out to dinner with my absolutely fantastic father. We drank more and laughed and talked for hours. Then we went back to the bar to play pool and drink. We went with my brother-in-laws amazing mother and step father. We laughed so hard we cried and couldn’t breathe. We went back to my sisters apartment and decided to play drinking games. We played one of my favorites, Hockey. Took shots, made jokes, day dreamed, had a blast. We played a game called Kings Cup. We loved the rule about making our own rules. My older sister created the rule where we had to complete every sentence with “bitch.” My older sister with her bachelors in psychology and masters in social work. I never laughed so hard in my life. Laughter is the best medicine. The couple went to bed and my older sister and I took a late night walk. We talked and laughed until we got back to go to bed. We passed out on the couch together. That was the first time I had spent a whole day without thinking about him in ten years. I learned to live without him. That day was really the best day of my entire life. I felt so free and liberated. I felt empowered by my new sense of self. I was independent. That day I found a way to change my mind and change my heart. I laughed. 

June 19, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Feverish Passion, Grievance, Life, Loss & Tragedy, Night Life, Self WorthTags: best, change, changed, cry, day, different, free, fun, heart, laugh, liberated, mind, moved, new, think, worst Leave a comment

Momma’s Boy.

I love everything about having a son. He looks just like me, has the same personality, and is so curious about the world. He is my little imaginative adventurer and he keeps me on my feet. Today while organizing my lab bag from school he notices my bag of (fake) blood. I utilized it during my lab today to practice blood transfusions. I noticed his curiousity and decided to demonstrate somewhere we could get messy; the kitchen. I hung the bag of NS (normal saline) and the bag of “B Negative” blood. My son and I are so close we share the same blood type so that’s what type of blood we decided on. We transfused it into our patient, Mr. Sink. I’ll be trying to get red food coloring out of his white shirt for a week but every moment was worth it. You don’t know the value of a fleeting moment until you have children. They really do grow before your eyes. I think my son just might be a doctor one day. He’s so amazing. I couldn’t be more proud to call him mine. 

June 19, 2015June 19, 2015 by diarou326 Categories: Nursing, Parenting & Children, The Practice of NursingTags: adorable, blood, boy, doctor, family, learn, learning, medical, medicine, mom, moment, momma, mommy, son, transfusion Leave a comment