Today marks a mini milestone for me. It’s the heaviest I’ve been in two years. 122.2 pounds. A week ago I was a mere 118 pounds. Small milestones should be celebrated to maintain my motivation. I’m focused on my goals and what I want for myself. It seems so small but if you knew how hard I’m fighting for this its monumentous. I’ll make my goal and then some by May 2016. I’m a work in progress.
Month: November 2015
Goals.
I currently weigh 118 pounds at 5’10” and began my workout regimen last week. My goal before May 2016 (that’s 6 months away) is to gain 22 pounds to be a wopping 140 pounds. Pure muscle. I want to be the strongest I’ve ever been. I’m squatting 70 pounds and the goal is at least 200 with 12 reps. I want chiseled abs and a strong back. I’m pushing myself the hardest I’ve ever. For the first time I want this for me. Not to impress anyone else. I want to be proud and motivate myself. I want to truly know what my body is capable of. I will succeed. No matter how long it takes, how many glasses of water, how many salads or protein shakes, I will become strong. 22 pounds to go.
Nurse.
To sacrifice yourself is what it means to be a nurse. Working a sixteen hour shift without utilizing the restroom facilities, being the one the family chooses to blame because your face is the only one they see, and working on the holidays instead of being with your family. We not only have to do those things and accept them, we signed up for them. We spent countless hours studying to save lives and enrich them. Years of prerequisites and hard work, countless disappointments and down right miserable test anxieties. You have a highly contageous life-threatening disease? We will care for you. You murdered someone and are charged with first degree? We will care for you. You don’t trust medicine and do not cooperate with the plan of care? We will care for you. You stop breathing? We will perform CPR, save your life, and we will care for you. We will care for you even when you don’t care for yourself. We expose ourselves to illness and heartbreak. That’s what we chose to do. For you.
Brief Thought.
My impending birthday has me thinking. I think 25 should be a year of ME. This means working hard, sculpting the body I’ve always dreamed of having, making money, progressing in my career, and motivation for miles. By the time I’m 26 I want to have the perfect body, the best grades, and the greatest life I can. The potential is limitless. It takes 21 days to form new habits. I’m starting today.
118.
So this is not the first time I’ve started this. This crazy impossible task. I see woman that are thicker than myself and I want that. I want some extra cushion. Today and every other day I weigh 118 lbs, coming in at a wopping 5’10.” That’s underweight. That’s unhealthy. I love my curves and shape I just want more. More, more, more. I have always been told to appreciate what I have. I do. But I’m greedy and want more. I want to start doing squats again. I’ve settled and I’m happy so I stopped trying. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky I don’t have to worry about losing weight. They don’t understand I’ve struggled to gain weight my whole life. Protein bars, protein powder, ensure shakes, boost, peanut butter, etc. I’ve tried everything but nothing sticks. My measurements are 34 in, 14 in, 36 in so my ratio is very womanly but I would like my hips to be at least 42. Any advice would be fantastic, or words of encouragement. I really need a personal trainer or mentor. SOS. This marks day one of trying something new. I’m 118 pounds and ready for more.
November.
My birth month. Yes, I’m your atypical Scorpio. I’m supposed to be brooding and mysterious. Fortunately I have this to vent to and jot down my deepest darkest thoughts. Last month was a trip. Had all kinds of fun and fortune. Every day I get closer to my nursing family. I’ve been out with my friends many times lately to celebrate our achievements and the proximity of our pending graduation. They’ve become my family. I couldn’t be more appreciative to have such amazing and close friendships. I’ve grown more in love with my boyfriend and now have a much better standing with my ex-husband/father of my child. Things are advancing and changing in my favor. My new career is fantastic and I’m thrilled to go to work and work with such an awesome team. Most of you would like to read about a train wreck but I can’t say I’m sorry to disappoint. I’m in a better place, the best I’ve ever been. I feel fulfilled and satisfied with my circumstances. My boyfriend and I even made big birthday plans for myself this month (he even took an entire week off). I thought for sure the honeymoon phase would be over by now but every day he still entices butterflies and a whole hell of a lot of smiles. I feel like the luckiest woman alive. I remember a time when it seemed I found nothing but misfortune and devastation. I’ve busted my ass to get here. Now counting my blessings is a monumentous task and counting my worries I can use just one hand. 2015 has been my year but it’s only November.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 