Serenity is my security. That calm before the storm is my sanctuary. It’s a balance between external chaos and internal peace. I’m untouchable; unbreakable. The ground beneath my feet is solid and unwavering unlike the insecurity of tomorrow’s journey. Outside antagonists and enraging agents cannot pierce the serenity within. Inhale deeply, close your eyes, and exhale all worries and frets. Serenity runs deep.
Category: Self Worth
Work in Progress.
Today marks a mini milestone for me. It’s the heaviest I’ve been in two years. 122.2 pounds. A week ago I was a mere 118 pounds. Small milestones should be celebrated to maintain my motivation. I’m focused on my goals and what I want for myself. It seems so small but if you knew how hard I’m fighting for this its monumentous. I’ll make my goal and then some by May 2016. I’m a work in progress.
Goals.
I currently weigh 118 pounds at 5’10” and began my workout regimen last week. My goal before May 2016 (that’s 6 months away) is to gain 22 pounds to be a wopping 140 pounds. Pure muscle. I want to be the strongest I’ve ever been. I’m squatting 70 pounds and the goal is at least 200 with 12 reps. I want chiseled abs and a strong back. I’m pushing myself the hardest I’ve ever. For the first time I want this for me. Not to impress anyone else. I want to be proud and motivate myself. I want to truly know what my body is capable of. I will succeed. No matter how long it takes, how many glasses of water, how many salads or protein shakes, I will become strong. 22 pounds to go.
118.
So this is not the first time I’ve started this. This crazy impossible task. I see woman that are thicker than myself and I want that. I want some extra cushion. Today and every other day I weigh 118 lbs, coming in at a wopping 5’10.” That’s underweight. That’s unhealthy. I love my curves and shape I just want more. More, more, more. I have always been told to appreciate what I have. I do. But I’m greedy and want more. I want to start doing squats again. I’ve settled and I’m happy so I stopped trying. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky I don’t have to worry about losing weight. They don’t understand I’ve struggled to gain weight my whole life. Protein bars, protein powder, ensure shakes, boost, peanut butter, etc. I’ve tried everything but nothing sticks. My measurements are 34 in, 14 in, 36 in so my ratio is very womanly but I would like my hips to be at least 42. Any advice would be fantastic, or words of encouragement. I really need a personal trainer or mentor. SOS. This marks day one of trying something new. I’m 118 pounds and ready for more.
November.
My birth month. Yes, I’m your atypical Scorpio. I’m supposed to be brooding and mysterious. Fortunately I have this to vent to and jot down my deepest darkest thoughts. Last month was a trip. Had all kinds of fun and fortune. Every day I get closer to my nursing family. I’ve been out with my friends many times lately to celebrate our achievements and the proximity of our pending graduation. They’ve become my family. I couldn’t be more appreciative to have such amazing and close friendships. I’ve grown more in love with my boyfriend and now have a much better standing with my ex-husband/father of my child. Things are advancing and changing in my favor. My new career is fantastic and I’m thrilled to go to work and work with such an awesome team. Most of you would like to read about a train wreck but I can’t say I’m sorry to disappoint. I’m in a better place, the best I’ve ever been. I feel fulfilled and satisfied with my circumstances. My boyfriend and I even made big birthday plans for myself this month (he even took an entire week off). I thought for sure the honeymoon phase would be over by now but every day he still entices butterflies and a whole hell of a lot of smiles. I feel like the luckiest woman alive. I remember a time when it seemed I found nothing but misfortune and devastation. I’ve busted my ass to get here. Now counting my blessings is a monumentous task and counting my worries I can use just one hand. 2015 has been my year but it’s only November.
Free Advice.
Take it or leave it.
Compared to the people I care for on a daily basis (my 80 to 100 year old residents) I haven’t been around that long. But I’ve learned my lesson a time or two. Here are some things I’ve felt, experienced, lost, gained and learned from. Here’s some free advice…
1) Moments are fleeting. They come to pass so quickly. In a world where the only constant is change, learn to appreciate this moment. Whether it’s staring into the eyes of the person you love the most or just sitting in silence reminiscing, do not take it for granted.
2) Be your own sunshine on a cloudy day. Make your own happiness, don’t let it depend on people or material possessions. You have the power to destroy your mood or build yourself up. And NO ONE can make you feel inferior without your consent.
3) Love is more than a feeling. Love is a decision. It can’t be based off of physical chemistry or anything superficial. It is finding someone you care for more than yourself. Putting all of your wishes aside and giving without an agenda. But… It can’t be one sided. It can’t be exhausting or excruciating. People have it all wrong, love doesn’t hurt. Being cheated on, abused, lied to, humiliated and unappreciated hurts. Love uplifts and empowers. I hope everyone has the fortune of finding the kind of love and friendship I’ve found in my significant other. Everything else pales in comparison.
4) The world isn’t fair. It’s so full of hateful, selfish jealousy and greed. It’s full of ignorance and arrogance. If you can’t find a good person then be a good person. I garantee someone is looking for the good in you. Give them hope, give them kindness, give them compassion. Work on it everyday and karma will reciprocate.
5) What goes around comes around. Vengeful people get theirs. Do not seek to get even with anyone because it’ll come back to you.and someone is waiting for it to.
6) Instead of wishing for more or different appreciate what you have or it’ll become what you HAD. Often times that grass is greener because it’s fertilized with shit.
7) Appreciate the little things. Sure, Grand romantic gestures are sweet. But they’ll tell you they love you in little ways every day. Notice them, acknowledge them, and adore them. So often we are blind to subtleties because of hectic schedules or racing thoughts but happiness and true love is found in the slightest of gestures.
8) Work. Work hard. Fight for what you believe in and who you believe in. A little elbow grease goes the distance. Chase your dreams, never quit, and success is yours.
9) Loyalty is a lot more than keeping your genetalia to yourself. It is defending that person when they aren’t around, it is fighting for their dignity and honor. Loyalty isn’t stupidity, it’s knowing the value of another and defending it. It’s believing in another so much that you’ll say so to anyone without fear of being humiliated.
10) Life is too short. Do anything you want and want everything you have. Do not hesitate because “the timing isn’t right.” Make mistakes, mess up a little, take chances, love with all you’ve got, and risk it all. Fall again and again and get back up every time. It flies by in the blink of an eye. Stifle your fears and fight for your dreams.
Take it as you may. Or leave it where you may. That’s my free advice.
You Can’t Force Forever
Lately I’ve felt more and more judged by my marital status. I’m divorced like more than half the people in this country. I’m a statistic. Truth is, no one really goes into marriage with the mindset that it’s temporary. We all have wishes for our happily ever after. But you can’t force forever. If you don’t want the same things or have the same goals it’ll never work. If the efforts not equal it creates turmoil. No one intends to get divorced. It happens. I, as well as many others from my generation, am a product of divorce. Nothing’s sacred anymore, respect and loyalty are more rare than gold. Do not scoff at me because I tried hard and faught for my marriage. I tried to make amends and I tried time and time again. But in the end you can’t force someone to love you like you do. And don’t feel sorry for me either. I let go of who I loved and felt defeated. But I won so much more. A satisfying and fulfilling life, love, and joy. I have more now then I ever thought life could give. Don’t judge a book by its cover. Just because I’m divorced doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, immoral, or lost. But for the love of God, you can’t force forever.
Too Late.
I think you underestimate me. My intelligence, my control, and my class.
If you find yourself wishing you were someone else, it’s time to reevaluate. Had a chat with a few someone’s yesterday (since I can no longer even hint to whom I talk to and when) and we all agree. If you’re obsessed with someone else’s life, the people in it, their qualities, their traits, it’s time to step outside the situation. You need to evaluate why it is that you are so focused on that one individual. One someone says that the obsessed may be in love with the obsessee. That the obsessee is the object of their affection. One says that the obsessed just idolizes the obsessee beyond a shadow of a doubt. But what’s too far? If you find yourself crossing that line, you should ask yourself why? Why the obsessee? What is it about that person? Or is it about the obsessed? Are they so incredibly insecure that they channel that energy into trying to harm the obsessee? If you don’t change, karma will find you. Karma already has. But I hope that it’s not too late. Success is the best revenge. It’s the sweetest victory.
Color.
I don’t identify as black or white. Seems like these days that makes me an outcast according to social media. I read about police brutality and what’s seemingly an unjust justice system. It’s a cruel world full of racism and segregation still. And my only comment to this is, how fucking stupid. All this erroneous violence and for what? Rosa didn’t burn the bus, she just refused to give up her seat. Did you know you get your skin pigment from something in your body chemistry called melanin? Basing your opinions of someone based on the color of their flesh is like being biased about their first name. Their parents gave them both. They were born with it. Doesn’t seem fair, does it? The color of someone’s skin does not tell you about the struggles and battles they have endured. You have to get to know someone in order to truly see their character. I’ve had people make racial slurs about myself. Has nothing to do with their race or ethnicity and everything to do with that individuals ignorance. Not everyone sees this the way I do. The wars waged on American soil may not have the same body count as those in foreign lands but it’s just as devastating. There are certain undeniable statistics about every ethnicity but does that mean some race is inferior and another race superior? Absolutely not. We are all on the same playing field and treat each other like opposing teams. Together we stand, divided we fall. Do not judge me based on my name, my socioeconomic status, my height, my gender, or my color.
A Tale of the Day I Changed My Mind & My Heart.
After visiting with my sisters and future brother-in-law I wanted to write this story. They were the ones who kept me company on the best worst day of my life. The day I changed my mind and my heart. The day I became in tune with my true nature and womanhood. I’ve written about it before but that was merely a writing of the worst events of the day. In reality, that day I spent crying all morning but laughed more than being in pain.
We all know by now that I walked in on my now ex-husbands affair. Everyone’s over that detail. However what took place after 4 am on August 1st of 2014? Well I sought companionship from my youngest sister. She drove to my house where I sobbed on her shoulder and screamed out of anger. Sure, you’d be devastated to if you didn’t expect that to happen to you. In retrospect I should’ve known better. An example is that he stopped wearing his ring ever because “it hurt” when he just went to the gym. Yeah, sure. But my sister listened and empathized and told me how much none of my family nor his own family ever approved of him or the way he treated me. Blah, blah, yada, yada. Well my sister took myself and my son to her apartment where my brother in law was. I called in to work. And we sat and watched tv while I cried for a few hours. I cried away all the feelings of love I ever had for that man. I cried so hard I grew tired of tears and vowed I’d never let anyone make me feel that way again. I changed. I picked myself up off that couch. My mom took my son for the day in order to spare his feelings while I grieved. But what happened next was miraculous. My older sister showed up to support me. We all went out, had drinks at noon while we played pool. Then we went out to dinner with my absolutely fantastic father. We drank more and laughed and talked for hours. Then we went back to the bar to play pool and drink. We went with my brother-in-laws amazing mother and step father. We laughed so hard we cried and couldn’t breathe. We went back to my sisters apartment and decided to play drinking games. We played one of my favorites, Hockey. Took shots, made jokes, day dreamed, had a blast. We played a game called Kings Cup. We loved the rule about making our own rules. My older sister created the rule where we had to complete every sentence with “bitch.” My older sister with her bachelors in psychology and masters in social work. I never laughed so hard in my life. Laughter is the best medicine. The couple went to bed and my older sister and I took a late night walk. We talked and laughed until we got back to go to bed. We passed out on the couch together. That was the first time I had spent a whole day without thinking about him in ten years. I learned to live without him. That day was really the best day of my entire life. I felt so free and liberated. I felt empowered by my new sense of self. I was independent. That day I found a way to change my mind and change my heart. I laughed.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 