Today marks a mini milestone for me. It’s the heaviest I’ve been in two years. 122.2 pounds. A week ago I was a mere 118 pounds. Small milestones should be celebrated to maintain my motivation. I’m focused on my goals and what I want for myself. It seems so small but if you knew how hard I’m fighting for this its monumentous. I’ll make my goal and then some by May 2016. I’m a work in progress.
Category: Health
Goals.
I currently weigh 118 pounds at 5’10” and began my workout regimen last week. My goal before May 2016 (that’s 6 months away) is to gain 22 pounds to be a wopping 140 pounds. Pure muscle. I want to be the strongest I’ve ever been. I’m squatting 70 pounds and the goal is at least 200 with 12 reps. I want chiseled abs and a strong back. I’m pushing myself the hardest I’ve ever. For the first time I want this for me. Not to impress anyone else. I want to be proud and motivate myself. I want to truly know what my body is capable of. I will succeed. No matter how long it takes, how many glasses of water, how many salads or protein shakes, I will become strong. 22 pounds to go.
118.
So this is not the first time I’ve started this. This crazy impossible task. I see woman that are thicker than myself and I want that. I want some extra cushion. Today and every other day I weigh 118 lbs, coming in at a wopping 5’10.” That’s underweight. That’s unhealthy. I love my curves and shape I just want more. More, more, more. I have always been told to appreciate what I have. I do. But I’m greedy and want more. I want to start doing squats again. I’ve settled and I’m happy so I stopped trying. Everyone tells me I’m so lucky I don’t have to worry about losing weight. They don’t understand I’ve struggled to gain weight my whole life. Protein bars, protein powder, ensure shakes, boost, peanut butter, etc. I’ve tried everything but nothing sticks. My measurements are 34 in, 14 in, 36 in so my ratio is very womanly but I would like my hips to be at least 42. Any advice would be fantastic, or words of encouragement. I really need a personal trainer or mentor. SOS. This marks day one of trying something new. I’m 118 pounds and ready for more.
Clean.
So the past few months my health has been deteriorating. After countless tests to finally rule out Cancer, I am so glad it’s finally over. I was granted a clean bill of health. Chronic pain however seems to be the root cause of my fatigue. I’ve been in pain for years but not only is it coming from my bad joints, including my jaw, it’s now spinal. Next step is to see a doctor about my bones. I’m so happy I was also told today that it turns out I am capable of sustaining life in-utero. Something I was told after a pre-malignancy discovery back in 2013 would never happen. My life will continue, pain or no pain. I’m capable of things I thought were impossible. Never could I have managed such hard times without my loving boyfriend. I’m grateful and Cancer-free.
Fatigue.
I’m burned out. I was superwoman too many months. Too many years. I’ve wasted too much time. Loving all the wrong people. Caring what other people think. I didn’t realize that I am mortal. That my time here is limited. I want to cherish each day. Love a little more. Live a little more. Hug a little tighter. Kiss a little longer. Dance in the rain. The diagnosis is coming faster than I’d like. October 5, 2015 I may have the answers I’m looking for. Until then, I go to bed embraced in the love of my life’s arms after tucking my sweet little love into bed. I cherish my support system. I’ll take it easy. As easy as fatigue will let me.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 