One of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life is let the man I just married travel half way around the world. Going through deployment was harder on me than anyone ever realized. While he was gone the “burning of the Quran” occurred and I panicked. Every day I panicked. The year he was gone was the longest anxiety attack of my life. I hold no more romantic feelings toward my ex husband but the trauma is still very real. When you feel what I felt that wound lasts a lifetime. I feared every day he was gone that he would die. That I would have officials show up at home or at work to deliver the news. That they would shatter my world mid day and I would have to find the will to live each moment following. The father of my child and the person I believed was the love of my life would die thousands of miles from me and I would relive our last goodbye in my mind a thousand times. It didn’t happen that way though. All the torment and pain I hadn’t even imagined had yet to have happened. I died a little each day he was gone. When he finally came home I was ecstatic but something was different. I didn’t realize what a year could do, it wasn’t that I changed as he feared I would. He did the changing. He wasn’t the man I married. And that’s when it happened. Every day I watched him die a little more. It was slowly then all at once. That man, the one I loved and married, he’s dead. He died a long time ago and no one will ever understand that mourning. My son thinks his dad just works a lot and I don’t have the heart to tell him the truth. He’s dead and the carcass of the soldier I once loved walks the planes of this earth empty and haunting the people who gave him everything. With every national anthem, pledge of allegiance and tribute to the soldiers of this nation the scars burn and sting. The man I married died the day he got on that plane and didn’t ever return, that man died and lost his family for your freedom. And for mine.
Tag: broken
Festering Wounds.
Not all wounds bleed. Not all illnesses can be seen. If you think that cut will heal on its own you have another thing coming. The ability to heal begins within. I need to take my own advice. I have big gapping lacerations where the flesh may never recover. And they’re my fault. I didn’t tend to my lesions as I should. I left them open to the elements. Rather than focusing on caring for them as I should’ve. I believed they’d heal on their own in time. Time alone doesn’t heal all things. Scars are inevitable when healing by tertiary intent. You can’t grow a garden in soil with no nutritional content. You can’t build a city on quick sand. You can’t cover emotional scarring with a pretty smile. A festering wound won’t heal beautifully. Things won’t ever be the same.
Intuition.
My gut instincts hardly ever lead me astray. I have a rather strong intuition and it’s almost always right. Last night while working in the jail I got the feeling something was off as I approached our maximum security area to pass medication. I had a feeling something was going to happen. I had told the deputy before passing meds to a particular inmate about this feeling. He offered to pass meds to the inmate through the bars. The inmate protested. This put me on even higher red alert. I was sure I was just being paranoid. I’ve never had this problem before. I arranged his medication into a small med cup and approached the door and small slot I pass the meds through. The inmate approached as well. At a solid 6’7″ and approximately 280 pounds he hovered over me. His eyes were always dark and absent due to his mental illness. He reached his hand through the slot tilting it slightly sideways to make it more difficult to drop his meds into his hand. I hesitated. I tilted the cup to drop the med and as it fell the inmates hand jutted forward and up in attempt to grab my arm. The good thing about being paranoid on red alert is the cat like reflexes. I dropped the cup and jerked my hand away just before he could grab me. He stormed off into his cell mad as hell that I was victorious in my attempts at self preservation. My heart was pounding. The deputy later told me he repeatedly mumbled that he was irate with me for not screaming and was trying to break my “twiggy little cunt” arms. I was told later that night that a month prior said inmate successful broke both arms of another inmate through the jail cell bars. My intuition saved me from serious injury and what could have been a fatality. Always follow your feelings.
Helen of Troy.
Just call me Helen of Troy
Because I started a war.
Your hearts the only casualty
Like that’s what it’s for.
Battles raging around here
The gruesome ones inside me.
You think you’re better off
You’re fooled if you think you’re free.
Got you in my clutches
Got you in my sight.
Got my hands on your trusses.
Gotta end this tonight.
Gunna make you feel invincible
When you’re just a hostage.
Gunna make you love every minute
Of being pushed to the edge.
I’m going to make you want me
Make you plead for it.
You’ll bleed for it
I’ll force you to forfeit.
Got you in my clutches
Got you in my sight.
Got my hands on your trusses.
Gotta end this tonight.
Got you always crying
Got you alright.
Got my hands on your heart
Gotta end you tonight.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 