The past few days, while being home in the afternoon, I had someone knock on my door. A small boy around my sons age had asked to play with my son and boyfriends daughter. It turns out it was the son of one of my old friends who lives down the block. She showed up shortly after. We sat and talked for hours while all the kids played. We talked about the struggles of being a single mom mostly but she brought up a topic I didn’t know she realized. Apparently she hung out with my ex during the times he was throwing parties at my house. She told me he was hard to read but he ended up opening up to her. She told me about how it is hard for him to be a father. I understand that and continue to try to work with him. She told me about his confession to her that he felt he did me horribly wrong. I had no idea he felt guilty about what he did. I understand. She also spoke to me about his confession about how unhealthy his relationship with the other woman had gotten. It surprised me to hear this from someone else. She told me he called his girlfriend crazy, which I’ve heard him say repeatedly. No surprise. He had told this mutual friend that his girlfriend even texted another neighbor of ours demanding that she not text “her man” ever again. No surprise there either considering the volitile nature of her jealousy. We talked about how we all continue to talk to my ex because we all have friendships with him. We discussed my unhealthy relationship with him as well. Our old relationships that were unstable and resulted in children. Not everyone gets the happily ever after they originally intended to have. But life compensates for that. She told me she feels like my boyfriend and I are very good for each other and a super cute couple. I blushed. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. We discussed being single moms and how the best option for dating men is finding good stable single fathers. It’s very important that our significant others understand our struggle. We talked about how alike our children are and all their differences. We talked about a lot the past few days and it was nice to provide company for ourselves and our children. That’s neighborly love.
Tag: unhealthy
Abuse.
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/7151678
The very title of this article speaks volumes. Just because he doesn’t hit you doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. And just because he doesn’t hit you now doesn’t mean he won’t. I’ve been a victim of both physical and verbal/emotional abuse. My very first serious boyfriend, besides my ex husband that is, would drag me from room to room by my hair, scream at me constantly, and force me into sexual situations. He would scrub the makeup off my face before his family get togethers or scream at me if I wore makeup. He alienated me from everyone I loved. My family thought he was a good guy other than my youngest sister who wasn’t a fool. One night, things got heated, he was about to punch me directly in my face until in a flurry of activity he was tackled to the ground. We were at one of our local parks at the time and I had snuck away with my best friend because he was being “crazy.” It took me a few moments to realize who tackled my boyfriend. Who in the hell rescued me?? Unbeknownced to me, it was my future husband, someone I’d be with for ten years. Someone I’d be so love struck with I’d be blind as hell for him. If he doesn’t hit me it’s not abuse, right? Wrong! Oh it was all rainbows and butterflies in the beginning. He courted me. He walked me home from school, kissed me on the cheek, vowed undying loyalty to me and would dream of our future with me. I didn’t expect it to be what it became. He was a really great actor. A fantastic liar. So good he believed himself. He was a dream. He tried hard to be a part of my life. But I didn’t cave in to his sexual advance for a long time. There was too much trauma from the guy before. Until one night he down right begged me to have sex with him. At the time it was romantic but in retrospect it was a tool. He was marking his territory and sealing the deal. That night I made love for the first time in my life. I fell even deeper in love with this young gentleman. I was his, without any doubt and without any faltering. I was trapped but happy about it. It was blissful. Young and dumb and full of bubblegum. Little things started to happen. I’d catch him in tiny lies but wouldn’t say anything at all. After all he was perfect right? Wrong again. It turned into a battlefield when I discovered the truth. His stupid little girlfriend that saw him as an immaculate perfect gentleman and boyfriend now saw him for what he really was. Ignorance is bliss and innocence. Well my bliss and innocence died in the most gruesome way. Not only was he having sex with his most recent ex girlfriend but also two of my “friends.” I didn’t do anything to deserve that. Months apart and we had found each other again. He swore it would never happen again. That he wouldn’t lie to me like the day he came to high school with hickies on his neck. I believed every word before that but once one of the ladies came clean my belief in his was shattered. I was skeptical from that moment on. After this we were good for a while. Then I heard about him getting naked in the back seat of a car with another girl and having sex with her after prom, two distinctly separate times. This time I did what no lady should do, I was out for blood and vengance. I gave him a taste of his own medicine. Ohhh but I was the only one in the wrong according to him. Abusers blame everyone else for their mistakes. I was so ashamed I accepted the blame. And there we were yet again in our dysfunctional circle of bliss and grief. This story is so complex and we both did some destroying. I always rationalized it with he did it first. I was wrong. I should’ve protected my own morality and I sunk to his level devastation after devastation. We were young and dumb. But then I started to grow. I started to see my own moral flaws. I got better. I learned to trust him. Yet he continued. Thirteen different girls on multiple occassions. They call that serial cheating. I let him back, love blinds the mind and awakens the heart. Forgive, forgive, forgive. My mind became bitter and resentful. He called me every name in the book. He manipulated me time and time again. It was always my fault he was jealous. He used my past against me and I was never allowed to bring his up because that was my fault too. I walked on eggshells for him. Everyday afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing because he’d leave me. He once told me I’d never be anything more than a cockholster. He belittled my fashion sense and my music. He degraded me and my dreams. He manipulated our friends into thinking I was a bad person. He alienated me from my friends and family. I was a prisoner in my own home. Never allowed to go out without him and if he went out I was to stay home and tell him everything I was doing and anywhere I went and I had to send him pictures to prove it. He was jealous and would create paranoid delusions about me cheating when he was away or I was at school or work. He would have full access to my phone while I was never allowed to see his. I wasn’t even allowed to wear makeup or its piss him off and he’d ask who I was getting pretty for. I wasn’t allowed to talk to men outside of my family members and wasn’t allowed to add any on facebook. There was a time I wasn’t allowed to have facebook. He was my warden, my capture and I was his hostage. I was always too afraid to admit this. I was afraid of him. He always rationalized his tendencies by saying he was afraid of losing me. He said I was the best thing he’d ever had and the best he would ever get. Even after he had cheated on me and I witnessed it, the very thing that ended us, he would get drunk and beg to have me back. He would tell me he doesn’t love her and he only used her. I got strong, I didn’t fall for it that time. I left. He was afraid of losing me. It’s funny how our fears manifest themselves. Control and manipulation. The blame game, jealousy and threats. Name calling and striking fear in another’s heart. Lying and cheating. That’s abuse. Recognize it before you fall victim too. It’s hell, ten years of absolute fucking magma hot hell. I couldn’t be happier to be apart of something healthy and functional for once in my lifetime. My ex is self destructive and toxic to other people. He will have you blinded until it’s too late. Open your eyes, recognize the warning signs and save yourself. You’re the hero/heroine of your own story. He would have you thinking I’m the crazy one, that I’m toxic. Read up on verbal and emotional abuse. You’ll see the truth and him for what he really is.
It hurt like hell.
Today’s thoughts are complex. A little more complicated because finalizing my divorce is only 6 days away. It’s been a long seven month journey though I’m fortunate the process hasn’t taken a whole year away from my life.
I find myself reflecting on my relationship with my ex. So here’s a brief summary of the story. We had our son at an early age. I was 18 years old when I found out I was pregnant and his father was 20. We had been dating on and off since I was fourteen. It was never a stable relationship, always hot and cold. We would seek vengeance for all the mishaps and hurt we caused one another. It was unhealthy and we were young. Most of my pregnancy was the roughest area of our relationship and led to so much hurting. He ended up seeking the company and comfort of a young lady around my own age. For the purposes of this blog we will refer to her as HW. She plays a role later in the story as well. We somehow rekindled the romance a few months after our son was born. A lot of the details are a bit blurry. We seemed good, things seemed to fall into place. A few years later we got married before my ex was deployed to Afghanistan. I was a good wife, a loyal wife. I counted down the days, even while he belittled and degraded me. Even while he threatened to leave me and assumed I was being unfaithful. I’ll never forget the cruel and hurtful things he said to me. He came home after 13 months of training and deployment. I was elated. I forgot for a brief moment in time the things he said to me. But after a while it wasn’t the same. I drifted. I created a huge distance between us and we ended up separating. During our separation we both saw other people, he saw HW of course. Well after some months the romance was yet again rekindled. Somehow we ended up back in each others arms. During that few years or so HW would drive by our house or send texts to my husband. It would anger me but he came home to me every day and we always ended up back together. That’s destiny right?? Wrong. So terribly wrong. A few nights a month my husband would go out drinking and claim to have stayed at a friends house. I believed him. I thought we were happy despite his always jealous nature. One night at about 4 am I got a bad feeling. I thought maybe he had drank and drove so I decided to search for him. I looked at all his usually hang outs and then just drove around. Luckily we lived in a small town. About 15 minutes of driving around I find his car at a house. I pull up to the front of the house. I walk to the front door and knock. No response. I check the knob and it’s unlocked. I walk in and hear sounds no married woman should ever have to hear. I follow the noises. Up the stairs I hustle. Losing all concept of reality and what it is I am doing. Heat of the moment. I walk through the bedroom door to see them both naked, him on top of her, those horrid sounds coming out of her mouth. And it’s none other than his beloved HW. I freeze then apologize for entering her home. I run out the door back to my car. I get home. To OUR home. OUR sacred vows. OUR life together raising OUR son. OUR love, all of a sudden, my entire vision of OUR future was over. A few minutes can change your life forever. 4 a.m August 1st, 2014. A decade of relationship. Almost 3 years of marriage. An entire deployment of suffering and wondering if he would come home alive. All of that died that night. The man I knew died that night too. I’m mourning that loss still.
Out of all that suffering, I found a friend. I found someone who mourned with me. Who helped me see the truth and gave me hope. He taught me valuable lessons and always listened. Somewhere in the craziness and unbelievable devastation I figured out how to love again. I’m in love with a man who knows how to love. A dedicated, hardworking single father. Someone who really gets it. Someone who understands me. You could say, I found love in a hopeless place.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 