Ever have those days you feel completely unmotivated and envy the people who are? That was me this morning. I could’ve slept all day. Then I do what I do when I have those mornings. I listen to music. Music is a huge motivator and encourager in my life. It completely affects my mood. Anything from songs about woman power to love songs. I somehow convince myself that the house isn’t going to clean itself and I need to make myself proud. Be a doer, a thinker, a creator. Do something for Christ’s sake woman! I get off my ass, get ready to face the day and make the most of my time. There isn’t ever a time I don’t feel accomplished once I’ve cleaned, run errands, or worked out. Put my makeup on, do my hair, organize, clean, and do those thousand squats cause your butt will get nowhere if you don’t. Learn something new, get the scarf done that you’ve been knitting for months, finish that book you’ve been half-ass reading. Do something to enrich your life. Do something to boost your mood. And when your man gets home you kiss him like there’s no tomorrow. Boost his mood too. Make it happen.
Tag: create
I Chose Life.
My past is haunting. As I lay in bed reading my old tattered journals from adolescents and my teen years I weep for my younger self. But I grow prouder knowing I somehow got past that young lady who was raped and molested and tormented with depression and became a strong woman with an optimistic view. I remember the emotions and worrisome thoughts that kept me awake at night. I recall the sensation of tear stained pillows against my cheeks. I remember that feeling of deep seated loneliness and grief I concealed from everyone. I wore long sleeved shirts through the summer because the razors weren’t the only thing I hid from my family. I had forgotten the sense of longing for eternal peace. I thought my mind, body, and soul wouldn’t survive this reality. My heart felt perpetually broken. Hurt became so much a part of me it was more like a personality trait. My family would talk to me, the doctors would talk to me, the therapist would talk to me but would anybody really listen? The medications either made me angry or left me feeling numb to all emotions including happiness. No happiness is no life worth living. I struggled with major depressive disorder for many years of my life. I wasted too much life thinking of ending it. Writing poems helped me only temporarily but when the hurt was so devastating I had no inspiration and it was no help. I recall never feeling good enough for anyone, feeling ugly, feeling guilty, and being miserable. I would also put on a mask in public and to my family. But in the dark of the night it would find me. There was no fake it to make it with my sorrow. Depression is like drowning in a deep pool. You can see the light, you acknowledge the light, you reach for it never to grasp it. Never to resurface again. You can’t breathe because the saddness is all consuming. There is no relief. I had good times in the midst of grief. I trained myself to use the medication, music, writing, painting and expressing myself any way I could. I got in touch with my humorous side. Slowly I took my life back. Depression is not a curable disease. Mental illness is a lifelong struggle with no miracle cure. It’s terminal. I’m happy to say I found my way. I have been medication free for many years now. I don’t let anything stop me and I do not depend on others to make me happy. I’m a survivor and I fought my battles. It was a choice. I’m not my past, I’m the woman who was created along the way.
Bucket List.
So much to do and definitely not enough time on this earth. Fortunately I’ve already crossed a few things off from my bucket list. I’ve been to Hawaii, swam with sea turtles and a manta ray, went snorkeling, been to Universal Studios and Disney, watched Humpback Whales breach water and swim with their young, been to Texas, stood on the bridge from the movie Selena, been to the Alamo, been to Mammoth Caves in Kentuckey, been to Makers Mark Distillery and hand dipped in wax my own whiskey bottle, been to the Grand Old Opry, been to the Mall of America, been to San Fransisco and crossed the Golden Gate Bridge, and been to Mt Hood in Oregon. I’ve done a lot of traveling for someone so young. I’ve experienced many different things and feel so blessed to have seen what I have. I swam in the Pacific, Atlantic, and Gulf before I was 16. I owned my own home at age 23. I’ve lived a lot. I have a lot left I want to experience before my time expires. I would love to learn how to hula dance and belly dance. I want to learn how to blow glass from a professional. I’d love to travel the world and have my own lengthy list of place to see and cultures to experience. I want to walk the Great Wall of China and ride an elephant in India. I want to go on an African Safari and see all of Egypt. I want to see the Abydos Kings List, the pyramids at Giza, the temple/tomb of Nefertari. I want to watch the waters of the Nile flow. I want to see all of Australia and swim by the Great Barrier Reef. This list could go on forever. I would like to write and publish at least one novel, My Grandpas biography. I want to tattoo most of my body by famous tattoo artists including Kat Von D and Sara Fabel. I want to master MMA and boxing/kick boxing. Id like to be with my man when his music takes off and becomes international. Id like him to be by my side through all of my bucket list including our own little private version of a bucket list (wink, wink). I want to experience it all. I want to float in the Dead Sea. Id like to visit Santorini Greece. I want to get paid to model for a tattoo magazine. I want to get my cosmetology license. Id like to have numerous degrees from different universities. Id like to learn how to fly a plane. I want to go on a mission trip and practice medicine in a third world country. I’m very ambitious and this could go on forever. I just want to truly live. To experience all this world has to offer. I have a passion for life.
Rain.
If you can stop and smell the roses it makes for a happy life. Indulge yourself in the little things and all the simple pleasures to be had. One of my simple pleasures is a natural occurrence in April and May where I live. The rain. It’s absolutely magnificent. Watching a good downpour is way better than anything on the television. Watching a highly concentrated drip fall from my rooftop and watching the smallest drops of rain make circular tidals in even the smallest puddle is witnessing natures true beauty. I love watching the drops free fall with beautiful gentle green leafs in the background from a nearby tree. Those dark ominous clouds floating slowly past. The breeze ruffling the leafs on an old oak tree. Everything’s so green this time of year it reminds me of the lucious rain forests in Maui. Everything’s drenched in rain and the beads of water roll down once they gather their fill. True and natural and beautiful. Sunsets are breath taking but give me a good thunderstorm any day. Sunshine creates an ear to ear grin but rain soothes the soul. The melody of raindrops on the earth is a chorus of angel voices to my ears. The rumbling of thunder after lightning strikes is pure power. Nature is majestic and ruthless. It’s all encompassing and inspiring. It’s the simplest things in life that cure wounds the naked eye can’t see. Leave it be is what the rain whispers to me.
Making Plans.
So today I passed yet another semester in my nursing program. That makes five semesters down and only three left before I’m eligible to take my state test and become a Registered Nurse. I just sent in my (rather expensive) application to take my state test to become a Licensed Practical Nurse. I’m nervous but not as nervous as I am about these next few semesters. So close yet so far away. I’m making strides to further my career and better myself. In doing so I realized that I have five years left before I’m a CRNA and making over $100 thousand a year. Not too shabby. I have big dreams. And big expectations for myself. I hold myself to high standards and am a devoted student. I am intimidating. I’m one hell of a woman. I’m assertive, confident, and as sweet as can be. I was born for nursing. As I advance I know better than to think this life is about material things. I want passion. I have a lust for life. I have a desire to change the world not just my community. Failure is not an option. And the only way to make any change is to do it daily and through varying means. I plan on publishing a book, traveling the world to practice medicine in third world countries for free, joining organizations and doing even more volunteer work than I am currently participating in. I want to do more than save lives, I want to change lives. I write to move people, to connect with people, to reach out and offer myself. Bravery is opening up to a stranger and that is what creates a friend.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 