I just scheduled my NCLEX-PN Exam and it’s 16 days away. I Have been working towards this step for seven years. I’ve looked up to those who wear scrubs most of my life, having been in and out of the hospital. I never knew that it would take this much hard work and dedication to achieve what they already had. But it makes me proud. Looking back and seeing how far I’ve come and how much knowledge I’ve gained. It amazes me. I never gave up or thought I couldn’t do it. I pushed and pushed and pushed to get to where I am today. A lot of sweat, tears, blood, early mornings, and late nights. A lot of hardship and set backs. I worried like everyone does. But now that I’m going to take a test that determines if I’m really what nursing is made of…. I’m freaking terrified. But I’m ready. I’m ready to put just as much effort into this one test as I have my entire nursing school career. So with that being said, let the studying commense.
Tag: try
Noah & Alley.
So I finally got some time to visit my Grandma today in her current residence. She had a fall and is residing in a rehabilitation center. It was just the two of us and our talks together are the best. Today’s topic of conversation was love. She told me the story I never get tired of hearing. She met my grandpa when she was 18. He was five years older and she thought he was way too old for her. She spoke of her resistance to his attempts at courting her. When she finally caved that man would walk miles in the blistering cold two foot snow banks just to see her. He put in so much effort to gain the love and respect of my grandma. He asked for her hand in marriage. He was Protestant and she was catholic. She said that she left that up to him. Her priest was against the marriage but that didn’t stop my grandpa. He became a catholic. He changed his beliefs and faith for the woman he loved and admired. That man took care of business and took care of his family. I love when Grandma talks about him. Her wrinkled face just lights up and those baby blues just sparkle. I don’t want a love story like Noah and Alley (The Notebook) I want one like Grandma and Grandpa.
Like Father, Like His Father.
My ex saw his son today. During which he spent the entire time on his phone. Father of the year for sure. All because his mother and myself were begging him to fix his sons insurance. Which didn’t get fixed today, of course. And when you ask my ex he made an appointment but it’s a different day every time you ask. No surprise there either. He claims he wants to see his son. Great! Finally after over a month of avoiding him and dodging responsibility. My current boyfriend and the man that actually provides stability for my son disagrees completely with my letting him come and go from our sons life as he pleases. He says that he contributes to his health or well being in no way shape or form. I’m trying to be a good mom but when is enough, enough? My boyfriend makes valid points about my ex and the company he keeps. But I’m torn both ways. Always have been. I’m not the type to ever keep him from his biological father as long as he’s trying. The thing is, he gives up every other month. What is that teaching our son? Daddy only loves me when it’s convenient for him? I’m not good enough for daddy? I’ve heard my son say daddy doesn’t really love me. I’ve heard him disown his biological father to his friends. I will never say anything bad about my ex in front of my son. I remember a time when my mom spoke unfavorably about my dad to me. She didn’t realize that half of me was him. I’m part him. She was speaking badly about me and that broke my heart. I tell him daily that his dad loves and misses him and that he’s just very busy. I’ll make excuses for my ex just to save my sons heart from a few more tears. I know what’s best for my son and no one else can tell me what’s best. I’m a damn good mom and I’m proud of myself for not letting my emotions towards his father get the best of me. But when is enough, enough? Do I let his fathers poor decisions and unloving actions into his life? Do I let him see first hand his dad’s true colors even though it’ll break his heart? I’m afraid there’s no right answer. Everyone in my life including my exs mother warns me. They’re all skeptical of his fathers true intentions and don’t trust him at all. Do I give my ex yet another opportunity to fail? To disappoint? To hurt the one person that means the VERY most to me? Yet again I find myself saying that’s out of my control, I can only do my best. I sleep soundly at night with a guilt free conscious.
Myth Busted.
I hear rumors about myself daily. Some things very far fetched and others a little closer to the truth. Does it bother me? No, not really. Does it entertain me? Yes. One particular rumor is that I do not let my son see his father. My ex sees his son occasionally. But I’ve given up on begging him to be in his sons life so he doesn’t see him at all. I’d never stop him if he asked or let me know when he wanted to see him. He doesn’t care enough to be a father. But the people in this town idolize my ex so I’m the bad guy. That’s cool. Batman took the fall and let people think he was a villain too. Everyone in this town seems to “hate” me except those I let into my life. I genuinely love people and that’s typically mutual. But if you don’t matter to me or are a negative presence get bent. I waste no time. I love my life. I learned a long time ago that I am not what is said about me. I am how I feel about me. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. And I would never sign a consent form for that.
Two Long Days.
Just two more days until I’m no longer married to the man who put me through hell. Time is slowing down. I will cry some of my happiest tears to go back to my maiden name. To be rid of my connections to him will be a blessing. He was a long lesson. I’m finally in love with the Man I belong. I finally feel like part of a family not a battle field. I never get disappointed anymore, I’m not constantly stressed, not paranoid about getting cheated on or left. I found stability in a storm. I don’t ever get ignored or abandoned. I get more calls than texts now. I’m still in awe over everything I was missing out on. Ladies & gentlemen, life’s too short for shitty relationships. Find someone stable, someone who brings as much as you do to the table. Someone who loves just the way you do. Do not settle for lies, manipulations, or guilt trips. Don’t settle with someone who lessens your potential or makes you feel unworthy. You deserve love. You deserve a person who reflects you in the most stunning way. You deserve someone who stands up for what they believe and you just so happen to be who they believe in. You deserve someone who will stop you doing whatever it is you’re doing and take a moment to hold you or slow dance with you. You deserve someone who makes you laugh and never wants to see you cry. And I’m telling you it’s possible, they’re out there. Life has an uncanny way of bringing them to you when you least expect and when you need them most. You are better than those who tried to cheat you out of the life you wanted for yourself. Don’t let their opinions or what they did hold you back or make you feel like less of a man or woman. What they did or do says more about their character than yours. In this big fucking catastrophe, I left the anchor that was holding me back and gained an angel who lifts me with his wings. The differences between the two was a huge eye opener for someone who used to think all men were the same. He watched me suffer a blistering pain and drew me away from the fire that burned me. My saving grace. I would have been burned alive had he not taken a leap of faith with me. He saw something in me I did not even see in myself. I’m more myself now than I’ve been my whole life. I owe it all to him. One thing that has been a huge adjustment is being with a man who takes a very active role in his child’s life. My ex was not father of the year by any means. He still doesn’t hardly see his son or contribute in any way. My boyfriend loves and cherishes his daughter. She’s his “mini-me.” He pays his child support every month and helps her mother out any way possible. He faught for joint custody and got it. He actually cares and is such a family man. My ex is too caught up in the young and single life to pay much mind to his five year old son. It’s a harsh reality but I am glad my son has a positive male role model in his life. But to wrap it up, I cannot wait until Monday afternoon, I love my family and cherish their support. This has been the most rewarding struggle of my life.
Misery.
loves company. Boy oh boy does it ever. More people read about the train wreck most of us call a life with a cruel fascination. Tragedy brings us together. Some people will offer sympathies and others will wait and watch carefully to see you fail. Some can relate to your situation and others won’t ever understand. We all hurt, we cry, we smile and we laugh. We all have an internal battle. Some of the wars within our selves may be labeled by someone with an advanced education as a “mental illness.” Some of us have family troubles, rough romantic relationships, lack of support system, or suffer a sadness without any means to rationalize it. We may be so different. You may learn to love me or despise me to the point of hatred. We all come into the world and leave this earth in a heartbeat. We all have those repetitious percussions coming from our chest. Each note may be our last. So live heart beat to heart beat. Make the most out of every moment. And know that the only person responsible for your happiness is YOU. You have a story to tell and don’t ever be afraid to share it. Stop caring what others think; their opinions don’t matter. Do what you love, think positive thoughts, be where you want to be, and appreciate all the little things. Know that you are never alone.
Relationships.
Today in my class we discussed building relationships with clients/patients. We all start off as strangers. We build the relationship from the ground up. It made me think. I really want to be the type of person people are comfortable to talk with and I want to make others feel good. I want a sort of openness and I want people to know I am trustworthy. How do we go about initiating communication? How does it all start? Whether the relationship is with a colleague or it is romantic. Ice breakers? I want people to be excited to have me as their nurse. I want to be excited to go to work everyday and meet knew people. I want to make it hard for the people that dislike me not to love me. People won’t remember what you said, they’ll remember how you made them feel. I want to improve lives. I want to move and inspire people, no recognition necessary. I have an undeniable urge to impact the world and make it a better place.
The Mad Mind of Coraline 